It’s true when they say that a smile can hide someone’s pain so well. This is one of the only pictures that I liked of myself this year and funnily I’m wearing half of the makeup that I used to and I still look good.

This year was far from easy and as it comes to a close, looking back at it has been causing me a lot of grief, anger and sadness. This year was filled with so much loss for me; I had to let go of so much, people that were supposed to be my friends/family that don’t understand how much my illness takes over my life, my past self because I am not her anymore, my identity, my childhood home and my ego.

I was so sick in the beginning of the year I could barely leave my bed let alone feed myself or grab my laptop to work. I was on modified duties and I took a lot of time off, I ended up losing a lot of weight and becoming so weak that I could barely stand and needed assistance doing a lot of my tasks. I had a health related crisis and ended up having to get blood tests quite frequently and even had to see a specialist for a while.

I had just started working with another therapist on my anxiety and depression (later got diagnosed with PTSD) and I ended up discovering that my body had been through and was still going through a lot of trauma. I ended up packing my bags and moving from place to place for 5 months but my inner child was still in so much pain so I came back home in July (because of a major turning point) and my health started improving. Even though I have gotten better I am still struggling with chronic pain and I don’t know why or what exactly is going on with me. My hope in the new year is that I continue to heal, that I find the answers that I’ve been searching for and that I find a community of people that can resonate with my story.

This year has taught me to never take my health for granted because it can be taken from you in an instant. Things I used to be able to do so easily, have become so difficult for me, “simple things” like getting my own meals, brushing, showering and walking have become so exhausting and painful and its heartbreaking sometimes.

Even though my heart is aching looking back at the past version of myself, I have become stronger in so many ways. Never did I think that I’d be able to train someone at work, or get compensation and recognition from my manager for all of my efforts to improve processes and provide our clients with exceptional deliverables. I can walk (or rather crawl) into 2022 knowing that at least I have that.